Ten minutes. That's all it really takes to read Kate Chopin's infamous "The Story of an Hour." It's a brief read that packs a huge punch.

If you didn't read this one in your high school literature class, here's a quick summary. Essentially, Louise Mallard's husband, Brently, is a victim in a railroad accident. Upon hearing of his death, Louise retreats to her room. At first, the reader assumes she is devastated by the loss of her clearly beloved husband. As the story unfolds, however, the scenery changes. Suddenly, she's looking out the window into the great, big world and realizing a truth she hasn't experienced: she is "Free, free, free!" (which is one of my favorite quotes from literature because it packs such a punch and says so much with one repeated word).

Chopin goes on to note, "“There would be no one there to live for her during those coming years; she would live for herself. There would be no powerful will bending hers in that blind persistence with which men and women believe they have a right to impose a private will upon a fellow-creature."

At first glance, the story is a somewhat harsh story about the debilitating oppression women felt in marriage in the 1800s. To be married as a woman was to obliterate all hope of freedom and choice. However, it is important to note that Chopin also highlights that marriage is a contract that forces men to bend as well, so she does not exclude the male gender from her discussion.

Although written in an arguably different time period than the modern day, Chopin's story is a perfect read for modern men and women, in my opinion, because it still teaches so many lessons on marriage today. I think a quick read is really the learning we all need in order to have better relationships--with our spouses, but most importantly, with ourselves.

The impact of the story is really that it takes a death for Louise to feel free. It's a cruel truth that sticks with the reader long after the last sentence. However, I think it's such an important lesson for modern marriage as well.

Yes, marriage requires sacrifice and compromise. But one should not feel oppressed in a union. One should, quite contrarily, feel freer to explore, to live, and to be bold. Certainly, anytime two people come together and decide to travel life together, there will be sacrifices of self. Chopin reminds us all, though, and especially women, that we cannot lose ourselves in the commitment. We must maintain an ability to look out the window and see the world beyond just our domestic life. We must feel free enough to explore, to choose our paths, and to breathe in life fully.

Life is filled with unexpected moments, as the ending of Chopin's story reveals. Life is short, and it goes fast. You cannot wait for the right moment, the right milestone in life to get out there and live your life. Mrs. Mallard waits until it is way too late in order to start thinking about what she wants out of life. 

It is our duty, whether married or not, to explore our hearts' desires and fulfill them--not tomorrow, not when our spouse dies, and not when x-y-z fall into place. It is our duty to fulfill them today, right now, because nothing is guaranteed.

From the gray undertones to the contrasting spring day the story notes after Louise's husband dies, it is evident that the couple was living in a state of monotony to some degree. With her husband's death, Louise can finally see adventure, possibility, and, thus, joy. 

Chopin reminds us that monotony and routine slaughter our happiness--in marriage, in our jobs, and in our lives in general. By having Louise's senses pick up on things beyond the room, Chopin notes that there is a big, wide world out there if we take the time to explore it.

I think it's a healthy thing for us all to remember in our marriages. This doesn't mean we need our spouse to die in order for us to break the monotony. In a way, Louise and Brently serve as a cautionary tale. We don't have to live through such extreme circumstances to find happiness in our marriages. We can do something to breathe life into it now.

Go on a hot date, or try a new restaurant. Change up your weekly routine, or get your spouse a small gift. Go on a weekend getaway. Go on trips alone. Mix up your life and you won't need to wait for a tragic moment to feel free.


"The Story of an Hour" is considered a powerful feminist statement on marriage and how much women give up to enter the contract. However, I think it teaches lessons that are still relevant to all genders in the modern era. Essentially, the story reminds us:

1. Freedom is power. Protect it at all costs, even if you are in a relationship.
2. Don't wait to live boldly. Now is the time to find joy.
​3. Don't fall into a rut--in your marriage, in your career, or in your life.

Staring into the mirror, a popular quote from My Big Fat Greek Wedding came to mind: “Look, I was going through a phase. I was Frump Girl.”

If you haven’t seen the movie, it’s essentially about a girl who wakes up in her thirties to realize she’s not living the life she wants. She goes through a physical transformation, starts taking classes, and falls in love. It’s a movie about blossoming, essentially–but at the beginning of this year, I felt like I’d made a transformation into Frump Girl, not from it.

So many of us have our own stories of struggle from these past few years. The pandemic didn’t really do anyone any mental health or physical health favors. So many of us gained weight, got depressed, and struggled with who we were. Years later, we’re still living in the aftermath. So many friends, colleagues, and acquaintances I know have expressed struggling with their identity and confidence in the past year. 

I also fell prey to the pandemic in some ways. Staying at home, while a blessing for my introverted nature, also led to some unwanted side effects. Weight gain, unhealthy habits, and social isolation played their part in my transformation into Frump Girl. Add to that a husband who lost his job right before the pandemic and my mastiff, my best friend, dying, and it was a recipe for a mid-thirties crisis. 

In the past few months, though, I’ve managed to crawl out of my frumpy, slumpy mindset–all without spending thousands of dollars on quick fixes. I wanted to share what worked for me in case you, too, find yourself in a season of frump. 

Check out my best tips that worked for me to get me out of my slump. To be clear, it wasn’t about looking physically better like so many posts tell you on Pinterest. This isn’t a post about how to be the sexiest version of yourself or how to meet society’s beauty standards. It’s more about confidence. It’s about rediscovering who you are and how you can show up in the world as your best self. Check out what helped me do just that below, and steal any ideas that inspire you.

I want to say that I am not sponsored by any of the brands or items I mention ( I wish!). I am sharing things I truly love. 

1. Find inspiring podcasts

    It’s a common mantra in the motivational field that you become who and what you surround yourself with. While watching The Kardashians all day might be a fun escape, it might also not be what your struggling mental state needs. When I was at my lowest, I sought out podcasts and social media that made me feel like I could conquer the world–not like I was lacking.

My all-time favorite podcast is definitely the Rachel Hollis podcast. I know she doesn’t resonate with everyone (who does?), but I love that she is a high-achiever who speaks to women. She really talks a lot about chasing more in your life and going after your dreams, which is something I love.

I also recently found the Manifestation Babe, which is a bit more of a hippie-trippie ride. Still, I found myself interested in spirituality in different versions in the past few months, and manifestation was something that kept coming up in a lot of my social media feeds. 

Whatever you choose to listen to, find something that you look forward to listening to and that fills you with motivation. Instead of watching the news before work, I started listening to podcasts to start my day off on the right foot. It’s made a world of difference in how I see things.


2.    Add three healthy habits to your routine

Unless you’re living in a celebrity-sized mansion, it was almost impossible to get enough steps and physical activity in during the stay-at-home phase of the pandemic. For many of us, the habit of lethargy followed us even into 2022. Weight gain was a common issue with so many of us as a result of 2020.

I am not a fitness junkie by any means. In fact, my family likes to tease me that the only ‘B’ I ever got on a report card was in gym class. Still, there have been enough studies and my own experience to tell me that staying physically active and healthy improves your confidence. I don’t care how much you weigh or what size your clothes are, and you shouldn’t, either. Still, when you work on your health, you walk differently. You feel better in your clothes, and you feel better period.

For me, as someone who hates eating healthy and working out, I challenged myself back in February to add three healthy habits to my routine. I picked:

1. Take vitamins every single day.
2. Drink more water.
3. Work out at least 20 minutes a day in addition to walking the dog.

This felt doable, and it’s something I’ve stuck with even now. This summer, I worked more on cleaning up my nutrition to support these three, but to start, this was what I focused on. Nothing crazy or impossible. 

I challenge you to pick three healthy habits as well. They don’t have to match mine. Maybe one of your healthy habits will be to journal every day in support of your mental health. Maybe you’ll trade your iced coffees for green tea instead, or maybe you’ll add a salad to your dinner each day. Pick three smaller health goals and run with them–and be sure to give it time before you discount the benefit. I didn’t see a change in my mood or health for several months. It takes time, truly.

If you are looking to add fitness to your routine, one app I loved was FitON. I still am using it because it has so many workouts…and the FREE version is absolutely perfect. You can stay on the free plan forever and still have plenty to do. None of the workouts are locked (the paid version just gives you the ability to choose different music and to download the workouts). I never get bored, and there are seriously workouts for every level. I’ve been loving the Pilates workouts lately. 


3.    Turn to Non-Fiction
As a bookworm, another way I know to get out of a slump is through reading. During my hardest periods, I picked up non-fiction specifically to boost my mood. You can find books out there on any topic you want to get inspired about.

My favorite is again by Rachel Hollis: Girl, Wash Your Face and Girl, Stop Apologizing. I love these books for women because they help you get out of your own way. 

I also picked up several manifestation books about positive mindset that really helped. Another book I strongly recommend is The Gap and the Gain by Dan Sullivan and Dr. Benjamin Hardy. If you are a high achiever who feels like you are never accomplishing enough, this will change your whole mindset.


4. Make a Goal Wall

You’ve probably heard of visualization boards or manifestation boards. I’ve turned my bathroom mirror into my own version of this so that every morning, it’s the first thing I see. It’s also what I look at while I’m getting ready, and this helps me stop negative self-talk.

On my mirror, I have several things:

1. My all-time, biggest, wildest dream at the top of the mirror in huge letters (Mine is to be a NYT Bestselling author). 
2. The word I identify with the most/ my passion: Writer
3. A list of bucket-list type goals I’m working towards right now, big and small
4. A photograph of my happiest moment with my mastiff Henry
5. A photograph from Outlander because I’m obsessed and it makes me happy.

Sometimes, when I find a quote I love, I’ll put a post-it note on my mirror. Sometimes, I change my goal wall or add to it. The point is that every morning, the first thing I see are my goals, what I’m aiming for, and things that light me up. It’s hard to feel frumpy or like you’re in a slump when you’ve literally got your eye on where you’re headed.

Don’t limit yourself, either, when you make your lists or goals. The bigger the better. I firmly believe that goals and dreams are what keep us inspired, motivated, and get us off the sofa. 



5. Change up your fashion
After the pandemic, I found myself in a fashion slump as well. Sweatpants and baggy shirts had become my uniform, and this frumpy style did nothing for my confidence. To get out of this rut, I did a few things.
 
I started looking on Pinterest for outfit ideas. I thought about what the best version of myself would wear, no matter how ridiculous it seemed. I stopped worrying about what others thought I should wear or what was practical. I thought about what outfits would make me happy.

Next, I started upgrading my wardrobe. One of my favorite places to do this is Stitch Fix. Yes, it’s very pricy. Truly. It’s not something I do all the time. Still, the stylists are great at sending pieces that fit your style but also push you out of your comfort zone. There were so many pieces they sent that I never would have tried on but that looked great and made me feel awesome. They are always my favorite pieces. They are an investment, but I can tell you that all of my Stitch Fix clothes are my favorites and have lasted years. I swear I am not sponsored by them, but if you want to give them a try, I do have a code here where you can get $25 when you order your first Stitch Fix Box. (Full disclosure: I do get $25 if you sign up as well, so thank you in advance if you do sign up and help me add to my wardrobe.)

You don’t have to spend a fortune to enhance your style, though. I also adore shopping at T.J. Maxx, Ross, and Burlington because I get so many amazing brands and styles for a fraction of the price. I actually bought a few top-notch brand shoes at Burlington for only $30 total. Poshmark is another place to look for high-quality brands at a fraction of the price. I just bought myself my dream Michael Kors purse for $50. 

It’s not about how much you spend or the brands, though. Truly. It’s about dressing in a way that makes you feel confident. Sometimes, it’s just about mixing up your look to something new and exciting.



6. Take some quiet time to think

This sounds like a ridiculous tip that is too simple, but one of the best ways I got out of my funk was to take some quiet time to think. I used this time to think about the following:

1. All that I’ve accomplished so far
2. Visualizing my big, wild dreams
3. Thinking about who I really am at this moment

Sometimes our “frumpy” feelings come from the disconnect between who we were and who we have become. Our sense of identity doesn’t always catch up with our changes, so taking time to really reflect on these questions can help us feel more steady and stable. I try to take a few minutes by myself to go for a walk with the dog and just think–no technology, no music, just me. Another place I love is my hammock. I find that if you can find a place outside to do your thinking, it really does soothe the soul somehow.

Find your own quiet space and take at least ten minutes a day to just be. I promise you’ll see a big difference.


7. Invest in beautiful undergarments

I used to think buying bras and underwear that were nice was a waste of money, but truly, if you’re looking for confidence, this is a great way to give yourself a boost. Ditch the grandma panties and find something that makes you feel sexier or more put-together. Get fun patterns or colors you wouldn’t normally. Invest in luxurious feeling fabrics. This is a simple way to boost your confidence without making a big show of it to the world.

8. Try something new

Monotony is a confidence killer. If you need to break out of a slump, try mixing up your routine in a small way. This can take on so many forms.

• Try a new brand of coffee in the morning or get a new makeup product.
• Take a different route home or on your walk.
• Try a new restaurant that you’ve never been to, or get something off the menu you normally wouldn’t.
• Go on Pinterest and try a new hobby, craft, or skill.
• Check off something on your bucket list.

I have found that the best way to get out of a funk or depression was to try something new. A couple years ago, I finally checked off horseback riding from my bucket list–and it was my favorite day. My soul literally felt lighter after that experience because it was new, exciting, and challenging. In the fall, I also started candy making, which was something I always wanted to learn but never did. It’s something I do just for me (and for family and friends so I’m not eating all the candy), and it’s just soothing.

Find one small way to mix up your routine today. Do something that scares you a little. Take a class to learn something brand-new. Trying new things truly does feed the soul and gets you out of your boring routine.



9. Makeup and skincare

Having a skincare routine has helped me feel less frumpy, even on days I don’t wear makeup. There are so many options out there for every budget. I love Drunk Elephant for a splurge, but the Inkey List at Sephora has tons of affordable options that I think are great dupes. Get into the habit of taking care of your skin, though. Even just the ritual of layering on the serums and creams, something you do just for yourself, can help boost your confidence.

I also find that makeup is a fun way to get out of a rut. I love trying new looks. Pinterest and TikTok are great places to look for fun, achievable looks. Get a new palette with bright colors to try or, my personal favorite confidence boost: a bold, red lip. I think a red lip makes every woman strut a little differently.

Again, it’s all about trying something new and boosting your confidence. Little changes go a long way.


10. Talk to a friend 

The best piece of advice I can give you if you are in a slump is this: talk to someone about it. I think so many times, social media makes us feel like we have to only show our smile to the world. We see all of our friends’ successes, gorgeous vacations, beautiful photos, and we think we can’t be vulnerable. We don’t want others to know we’re struggling. We lie and say we’re great when inside, we’re dying.

Be brave enough to talk to someone–a spouse, a friend, a family member. Tell them the truth about how you’re feeling. Or, if you don’t have someone you feel comfortable talking to, find a group online that you connect with around a common interest. Feeling a sense of belonging and being able to be honest with others is what life is all about. 

I think you might be surprised, too, to find that if you are honest with others about your struggles, you perhaps will find you’re not alone in feeling like you are.


At the end of the day, whether it’s because of a world pandemic, a personal struggle, or just adult life being hard, we’ll all fall into a funk at some point. The key, though, is to avoid staying there. You do have control over finding ways to escape your funk, and they don’t have to break the bank. Still, if your funk is lasting a long time or if you’re just not getting out of it, don’t be afraid to seek professional help as well.

Life is hard, and we all struggle from time to time. Still, life is also beautiful, and you owe it to yourself to feel that beauty again. Pulling yourself out of a rut or a funk and getting back to feeling fabulous takes work. Still, I hope that you find the strength to do just that because, truly, you already are fabulous. You just need to believe it again.

For more inspiration, please join me over on Instagram or check out my motivational poetry on Amazon under L.A. Henry.




​

This shirt is too sparkly. This one is too bright.
That magazine article said hot pink lips aren’t appropriate for my age at the office.
These braids look a little crazy.
I can’t wear eye shadow with that much glitter.
Winged eyeliner looks like I’m trying too hard.
I love those heels, but they make me look unprofessional.
That leather jacket makes me look too goth.
Jeans with holes? I can’t.

There’s no better place to realize how many limitations we put on ourselves as women as in our own closets. How many times have you really wanted to wear something but worried what others would think? How many times have you wondered if you’re “too old” for something or “not that kind of person” to wear that piece you love?

The thing is, if it was just about wardrobes, maybe we would be okay. But for so many women, these fears of being “too much” creep into all other aspects of our lives. 

We worry they’ll think we’re too bossy in our meeting because we spoke up.
We worry they’ll think we’re too mean if we say “no.”
We worry they’ll think we’re too boyish if we skip the makeup.
We worry they’ll think we’re too boring if we live a simple life.

As women, I find we’re always worried about being “too” something or other.

Too loud. Too passive. Too assertive. Too sexy. Too fat. Too thin. Too smart. Too uneducated. Too busy. Too calm. Too– you fill in the blank.

It’s not our faults, not really. From the time we’re young, we’re primed for this “too” battle. We’re taught in so many ways that as women, we need to be careful. We don’t want to be perceived as mean or bossy or loud or rude. We’re taught to follow the rules always, and never seem like a “bad girl.” 

Rules are good. Kindness is good. But sometimes, what others think of us becomes so engrained in our personalities, we lose who we really are. We spend more time in other people’s heads trying to see ourselves that we stop hearing our inner selves. I think that’s where the problem is.

So this week, I hope you really stop thinking about being “too” whatever your word is. I hope you show kindness and grace in the world, but I hope you know you are more than just that. You are exactly who you are supposed to be. You love exactly what you are supposed to love. I hope you find the courage to show the world that, even if they aren’t ready to hear it yet–because I’m ready. You’re ready. So many women are ready to see real, genuine women. 

Let’s show the world what we’ve got.

​

This hardship that you’re going through, whatever it might be–I want you to know that you will overcome it, and you’ll be okay on the other side.

I know, it sounds like some cheesy garbage that motivational speakers write just to get clicks. It sounds like it lacks substance or is ingenuine. Admittedly, many times in my life, I’ve rolled my eyes at posts like this. Because when you’re in the middle of a hardship, let’s face it. No one feels like it’s happening for a reason or that it’s making you stronger. It just sucks.

Still, I stand behind that first paragraph because it’s true. It really is. I stand here before you as someone who has come out the other side of some tough years and can honestly say even though I didn’t think it would all be okay, it is. Better than okay, even.

We all have our own struggles on our journey. This isn’t a post to compare those struggles. Some certainly have more difficult stories than ours, and some have seemingly “easier” ones. We all suffer through our own hardships in our own ways. They change us. They break us. They threaten our confidence.

Our struggles started in 2019 when my husband lost his job of ten years due to a furlough. Suddenly, the life of security and stability we had grown accustomed to was ripped out from under us. We’d done all the things we were supposed to do. We’d lived safely. We had grown complacent in our lives, looking back, because we thought our stability was untouchable.

Then, my husband got furloughed. We told ourselves it would be fine. It would be a few months of regrouping. It might have been. But then something called COVID hit the world, and everything sort of stopped. 


It was a long journey over the next few years. What we thought would be a couple months of job searching for him to find his new place in the workforce took several years, several different jobs, and several different periods of asking: Who am I now?  He went through a struggle trying to figure out who he was now that his career he thought he’d have forever was gone. As any job loss is, it was stressful and filled with anxiety that was compounded by the world pandemic constantly adding to the uncertainty. It was a long road.

In the middle of it all, my beloved mastiff, Henry, my best friend, got sick and passed in 2021. My world shattered. I know he was “just a dog” to some, but to me, he was my rock. He was there for all of our firsts—first houses, first jobs, first holidays in our house. He was there during all of our crumbling moments–the lost job, the world pandemic, the fear. He was just always there. 

And then he wasn’t. I was devastated.

There were many dark moments after he was gone, and there were hard times even after my new best friend, Edmund, came into the picture. The thing is–things were different, the whole way around. Chad was finding himself after losing his job of ten years. I was finding myself after losing my best friend. We were both trying to adjust to a life that felt unstable thanks to COVID and just because of the sheer realization that at any moment, your carefully laid out plans could be changed. 

Still, we stand here now, almost three years after that devastating job loss that triggered several years of change, to tell you: it’s going to be okay. Because it was. Through the hard times, we learned so much.

We learned that sometimes change is good. Yes, there were times we mourned for the stable simplicity of our past life. We yearned for it. But we both have changed so much these past few years and have learned that change isn’t a bad thing. Our lives look different now. He has a new job which he loves more than his first one–like really, truly loves. And I still miss Henry, but I have a new best friend who challenges me in completely new ways. He pushes me to be more patient, understanding, and to be a better dog trainer. We've both learned not to take the simple, calm days for granted. We've both learned what really matters and how financial peace of mind is one of the best gifts you can work towards for yourself. We learned, though, that even in years of just getting by, our love and relationship was still strong.

We learned that change is uncomfortable, and that’s okay. The hard times really do force you to figure out who you are, what makes you happy, and what parts of your old life maybe were holding you back. We are both so much more confident in who we are and what we want now. We’ve found peace with the fact that life is unpredictable. Jobs change. The people around you change. But who you are at your core doesn’t, and hopefully, who you are as a couple doesn't, either.

Hardship is, as the name implies….hard. It doesn’t matter what that hardship is, either. It can be a lost job, a lost family member, or a loss of passion. It can simply be feeling like you’re drowning in to-do lists or the hardship of losing sight of who you are. It can be health issues or a broken car or just one little thing after the other. The thing I’ve come to understand is, big or small, we’re all handling hardship in some way. Because of that, it can be so easy to want to throw in the towel, to say that adult life sucks, and that there is no joy.

But I hope today, you hang in there. I hope you know that even if you can’t see it now, there will be a day when you stand on the other side of these days, weeks, months, or even years, and you breathe in easily. You’ll be able to see how much you’ve evolved, how you have strengthened, and how you have a whole new perspective. You’ll still mourn for the “easier” times sometimes. You’ll still wonder what would’ve happened if things didn’t fall apart.

But I promise you…you’ll also be able to see that there is beauty in every single choice on your life path, whether you make the choice or not. There is something to be learned, something to be gained, always. It just takes time.

Sometimes change is hard. Sometimes we don’t want to. Sometimes life makes us.

Still, change, when it’s all said and done, can be a beautiful thing you didn’t even know you wanted.

​

I fought back tears as I stared at the 30 candles on my birthday cake. Turning 30 felt like a horrifying milestone I had wanted to avoid because I had bought into society's lies for so long: that a woman's 20s are her prime and that she should have everything, everything, everything sorted out by 30.

In some ways, the 30 lie didn't hold up. As I entered the new decade, I realized that there were some beautiful things about the age. I didn't care as much about what people thought of me, and I was closer to sorting out who I was and what made me happy. Still, there were aspects about turning 30 that didn't sit well.

In my 30s, it feels like if I think about food, I pack on weight. Gone were the days of my 20s when I could eat anything I wanted, sleep all day, and still have the perfect waistline. Also, I'm at that age where if I wake up without a random body part hurting, it's a good day.  I've found myself at an age where I'm too young to completely transform into the little old lady knitting with her cats but too old to go clubbing or understand the new lingo all about (Cap? What?).

In many ways, the idea that my 20s were my prime feels somewhat true.

However, these past couple of weeks, I've challenged that notion thanks to an unexpected influence: Selling Sunset. Unless you've been living under a rock, I'm sure you've seen at least clips of the real estate show that's taken Netflix by storm.

I'll be honest: I tried to watch it a few months ago and hated it. Why would I want to watch glamorous people from California sell immaculate, insanely priced mansions I would never afford or even particularly want? Still, the easy pace of summer called me in, and I found once I got through episode one, I was hooked.

I know what you're thinking: a reality show? Really? That's the secret to overcoming your slump in your 30s? And I'll admit, it seems like an unlikely, unworthy candidate for inspiration. After all, it is a reality show, a phrase most Americans utter with condescending scorn even though behind their closed curtains, they secretly can't stop watching. And admittedly, the show has a lot of negative influences that certainly don't foster positivity. There's a lot of cattiness, drama, and rude behavior that makes for good viewing and not good character. Add to that the superficiality of the show to an extent (Does anyone need to have that fancy of a dinner? That baby shower probably cost more than ten of my houses, etc), and you have a recipe for a horrible thing to base your self-worth off of.

Still, behind the luxurious mansions and over-the-top outfits that many of us tune in for, I think there's also a message that I found inspiring. The women in the show are boss babes in their own right. Love them or hate them, they all are selling their way to independence, to the top of their careers, and to success. And what I find to be most interesting is that these aren't women in their 20s. They are largely women in their 30s and even 40s. 

Watching women who are supposedly "past their prime" be anything but was the kick in the pants I needed to get out of my 30s blues. I know, I know. Some of you are arguing that certainly no one could be past their prime if they had millions to spend on couture clothes, Botox, and personal trainers. Still, putting the money aside, the fact that these women in their 30s and 40s are owning their lives, the screens, and their confidence is something positive to take away from the "trashy reality" show. 

Sure, I might not have millions in expendable income. I might not have anywhere in my life that warrants wearing a dress Beyonce once wore. I might not have the expensive makeup or swimming pool or any of the things they do. Still, there is one thing I can have that doesn't cost a thing: confidence. 

Society tells us that your 20s are your time to be the "it" girl in your life, to be the woman everyone is watching. But I think that's a lie. Despite the slowing metabolism and random back aches, I think your 30s can be exactly that, too, if you make up your mind to own it.  So can your 40s, 60s, 70s, 100s. Truly. It's a decision we all make to own our lives, no matter what that looks like.

I think, too, you can achieve this confidence and status without having millions. It isn't about couture looks or perfect makeup. It's about finding what makes you feel like a boss babe. Maybe it's just getting a single new outfit from T.J. Maxx (sorry, not sorry, Christine, yes, I do love T.J. Maxx). Maybe it's getting that $2 red lipstick that makes you feel bomb. Maybe it's just in the way you walk or in looking in the mirror and telling yourself you're a "bad bitch" and wiping away the tears. 

It might seem stupid to get a confidence boost from a reality show on Netflix. But I think what's even more ridiculous is that as women, we let the number of candles on our cake influence how we feel. We let the decade we're in quiet us down. We let our age dictate how far into the background we think we should fall. 

I think it's time we all find our inner Christine (minus the meanness), Crishell, Heather, or Amanza and realize we're all capable of being a boss babe--regardless of where we live, our bank accounts, how much our purse cost, or how many candles are on our cake.

You can do it all.

Variants of this inspirational quote adorn throw pillows, Instagram graphics, and T-shirts. At first glance, the sentiment is admirable and even motivational. As a big dreamer, I think it’s healthy to remove mental blocks and limitations. I hope everyone can find the courage to strive for their wildest dreams. Nonetheless, I also think if we do a deep dive, this sentiment can be dangerous to your overall dreams and fulfillment.

I do believe you can do it all…but you shouldn’t.

The problem with this quote is that without us realizing, it seeps into our daily lives and poisons our fulfillment. What’s meant to inspire us to dream big actually chains us down to a life of monotony and lists. 

We think we should have a home worthy of a magazine AND be the best mother AND the kind of friend who does weekly brunches AND surprise our husbands with romantic date nights AND climb the social ladder AND master how to make perfect enchiladas everyone will love AND do glam makeup everyday AND have mastered silky, shiny hair AND have a hair free body every single day AND do an hour of pilates five times a week AND make sure all the appointments are made AND be spiritually enlightened.

AND AND AND.

We think we should do it all because we can.

The list is never-ending. We run through a rat race believing there is something wrong with us when we are crying in our imperfect bathroom that isn’t spa-like as we think about how tired we are–and how we are failing. We can do it all. It’s clearly us that’s the problem. We must be too stupid or too clumsy or too disorganized or too lazy. Our lives should look effortlessly perfect like we see on social media and from celebrities and from the moms at school pickup. We can do it all if we want to–and so we convince ourselves we want to. We tell ourselves we have to. We dig deep, wipe away the mascara staining our cheeks, and we throw ourselves at the merciless to-do lists once more.

The need to do it all is an inferno we cannot escape once we let it infiltrate our lives. On our relaxation days, we look around and see all the things that aren’t quite right, all the to-dos. Instead of soaking in the sunshine, we look at how the deck chairs need washed. When we’re spending quality time with the kids or the dog, we think about how we really should be taking those perfect photographs to get made into that scrapbook we’ll do someday. We shame ourselves for caving and eating fast food and running out of energy to do our insanely rigid workout schedule. We scorn as we look in the mirror because we didn’t use enough self-tanner and we missed a spot shaving and our eye shadow is lackluster.  We are hard on ourselves and see every missed item on our list as a failure.

We critique. We critique some more. We try to do more because we think that’s the problem.

And eventually, all of that “do anything” attitude becomes a life of monotony, a life missing passion, excitement, and happiness. We wake up in our lives that still don’t have everything mastered and feel inadequate, unfulfilled, and like failures, yet we keep trudging along on the hamster wheel that is quickly spinning of its axis.

Thus, the thing I think we need to talk about is this: yes, you might be strong, powerful, and smart enough to do it all. Still, that doesn’t mean you should.

Doing it all leaves you depleted. You have finite energy, and if you try to master everything at once, you just do a little bit of everything half-assed. 

More importantly, trying to do it all is a fool’s errand. No one, no one, no one does it all alone and well. 

No one has perfect, spotless baseboards and clean sinks while trying to work full-time.

No one has a perfect body while running the kids to seventeen activities, managing a stressful work schedule, and cooking dinner every night.

No one has magazine-worthy hair, makeup, and outfits while being a hands-on mother and making sure the appointments are all made.

No one has celebrity-worthy interior design, meals, bodies, makeup, outfits, bank accounts, careers, vacations, and lives like social media wants you to believe.

In the real world, most of us are hanging by a thread. We have dirt on the baseboards, we fed our families ham sandwiches while forgetting the dentist appointment and trying to get to work on time. 

We are cleaning up cat barf while trying to put on a swipe of mascara and blot away some of the grease in our hair as we wolf down a yogurt we hope is healthy.

We are trying to iron the pants for the school play while ignoring the layer of dust on all of the surfaces in the house and hoping the squats we did while brushing our teeth count as a workout.

We are hoping no one knocks on our door as a surprise visitor because it’s Thursday and we barely made it through the work week let alone picked up a single item strewn about the house.

We’re all hanging by a thread. We’re all trying to do everything–and realizing we’re not doing it well.

I think the problem is this, though. I think the problem is we all are keeping up the ruse that it’s possible to do it all. We’re all clinging to that “can do” attitude and smiling through as if we’re not all exhausted. We’re swiping the dust away and hiding the remnants of our life in shambles. We’re getting it together just enough to convince everyone around us that we’re doing it all effortlessly. We’re convincing ourselves and our friends that yes, of course we wash the sheets every few days and manicure the lawn and make sure the kids are eating only organic food. We pretend we’re not all dying inside trying to wear fifty hats instead of just the ones we want.

We convince ourselves that the world is going to fall apart if we prioritize and let some things go. We tell ourselves we’re being lazy when we want to relax instead of tackling the window washing or the tax spreadsheet or the list of phone calls.

We keep up the facade that we’re happy doing all the things because that’s what we’ve been taught. Still, the “can do” attitude is a thief of happiness if you let it be.

So I propose that this week, we all take a deep breath and ignore the gunk from the dog on our kitchen wall or the crayon mark on the table. I propose we resist the urge to wear a full cut-crease eye look every day or iron the slightly wrinkly shirt. I propose we don’t feel guilty if we feed our families bags of chips and peanut butter for dinner or if our hair has been in a bun for a week straight. I propose we all take a breath, take a moment, and ask ourselves:

What really matters most?
Even though I can do all the things, what do I want to do?
What will make me feel successful?

Certainly, we all have to do things we don’t want to do. But that doesn’t mean we have to strive for impossible standards in all areas of our life. There are seasons for everything. Seasons to work on our killer body, and seasons to cut back to maintenance mode where a walk or chores counts. Seasons for killing it at work and letting the spring cleaning slide. Seasons where we serve all homemade meals, and seasons where cereal is a food group.

We have to learn to be okay with not doing it all and instead, doing all the things that feed our soul, that make us feel alive, and that remind us of who we are. We also have to accept that life ebbs and flows, and that it’s okay if our vision of perfect in one area morphs in the next season of our lives. 

Furthermore, we need to remember that we can do it all–but we shouldn’t have to do it alone. We need to ask for help when we need it and find support systems. We need to be honest with our friends and co-workers and stop pretending this adult thing is easy. We need to stop showing up in the world as these extreme multi-taskers who are wearing a cracked smile over their dead–inside visage. 

We need to be brave enough as a society to say yes, we are kickass, powerful warriors who can do it all–but are smart enough not to. Who are intelligent enough to know that it isn’t sustainable to do all the things, isn’t fulfilling, and isn’t what this life is about. 

Thus, we need to change the quote in our minds to: we can do all the things that really matter most–and all the rest can wait.

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Nervous jitters coursed through my body as we pulled up to the familiar building. All 140 pounds of our black Great Dane was wiggling, thrilled to see his dog school we’d been going to for months. This time, though, things were different. 

After several courses of obedience, I’d decided to enroll Edmund, our Great Dane, in a class we’d never taken before: agility. I knew the instructors and the building, but I knew nothing about what to expect. It was foreign territory, and I was terrified of how he might perform. Still, along with the nervousness was another feeling–excitement. There was something thrilling about doing something completely new, something out of our comfort zone. And although Edmund still has so much to learn, we both had a blast learning new skills.

It might seem crazy that my dog’s agility class had such an impact, but honestly, in the past year, that’s what I’ve learned about life–small changes can make a big difference. 

From taking a new class with my dog to learning to make candy, I’ve been branching out in small ways these past few months. I’ve read books in genres I usually don’t. I’ve listened to new podcasts and tried new makeup looks. I’ve bought new clothes and spent a lot of time on Pinterest seeing what appealed to me. I’ve tried to get back to the notion that used to be so familiar in my childhood–the idea of exploring, trying, and adventuring in any way I can.

Still, I hear so many friends and acquaintances talk about the state of monotony they find themselves drowning in. I completely understand because in my thirties and especially these last couple of years, I’ve felt the suffocating feeling of being stuck in a rut. Maybe you have, too.

Maybe you’ve experienced the sensation where every day blends into the next, and you feel like you’re stuck in a black-and-white movie. There is no passion, no spark, no joy, and certainly no element of surprise. It feels like your life is stuck on repeat, and you can’t find the remote control to pause it.  A hamster on a wheel, you keep running the race without a destination in mind. 

Growing up, people always told me how tough the “real world” was and how hard adult life would be. The thing is, I don’t think anyone really focused on the other difficult aspect of being an adult: monotony. 

I know, I know. Being bored is, in some ways, a blessing. It means your life is stable and safe enough that your mind can rest. You aren’t in survival mode, running on pure adrenaline. If you have the mental capacity to be bored, you probably are living a life that you should be grateful for.

Still, I’ve come to learn in my thirties that there’s more to life that being stable and safe. There’s something else we need that few of us focus on–which is why I think so many of us feel lost.

Passion.

Passion is the spark that lights us up from within. It’s the igniter for our soul, the element that keeps us going. It’s what keeps the days from blending into each other. It’s what keeps our world in vibrant color instead of dull gray scale. It’s what keeps life worth living.

So many of us, though, once we’re settled into our lives, find ourselves lacking just that. We get stuck in a rut in our careers, our relationships, our own personal development. We fall into routines and can’t find the energy to leave them. Our days become repetition cycles that keep us alive but don’t actually bring us to life.

It’s understandable, though, that we fall into these patterns. Routines can be comforting and also helpful. They keep our minds at ease. Furthermore, adult life is exhausting. Between housekeeping, paying bills, the stress of job, our social lives, taking care of family, and everything else we are pulled to do, who has the energy to mix things up or find excitement?

It’s easy to fall into a routine and a rut. It’s hard to get out.

Nonetheless, I’ve been thinking lately that we owe it to ourselves to try. We owe it ourselves to find ways to mix up our lives, spice up our routines, and challenge ourselves to find something new to excite us. 

I don’t think you have to go to extremes. You don’t have to sell your house tomorrow, buy a camper, and travel in a foreign country. You don’t have to quit your job and learn to live off the land next week or change your entire look and personality. Getting out of your rut can truly happen if you focus on the small things.

Take a new route to work.

Go on a walk somewhere you’ve never been.

Get your coffee from a new place.

Find a recipe for a food you’ve never tried on Pinterest and make it.

Take a class, free or paid.

It isn’t about how much money you spend or how radical the change is. It’s simply about trying something new. Challenges, new experiences, new skills, and new views feed the soul. 

Too often, when we hear motivational speakers or experts talk about breaking out of a rut, it all seems so drastic. They tell us how to reach for the stars and be brave enough to trade in our lives for something else. I think all of that is great and can be the right move for some of us. Nonetheless, I don’t think you have to chuck out your entire livelihood in order to feel alive again.

Sometimes, it just takes a dog agility class or a Pinterest craft or a slightly new hairstyle to make us remember that we aren’t done exploring yet. I hope that this week, you take some time to try something new, to learn something new, or to be something new. As my favorite quote of all time says, “You are not a tree.” So I hope this week, you feel moved to move away from the sights you’re used to and discover something new.

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Please Remember

You can be anything you want 
At any point.
Even when it feels
Like you are stuck
In a monotonous cycle
Of “Yes, Sirs,” and 
Glued to the 
Track you’ve already
Chugged down,
You are never trapped.



It’s never too late to
Dream new dreams, 
To adapt the old ones
Into newer versions
That fit who you’ve become.

Because Girl, we’re
All becoming and
Changing.
Our dreams 
Are fleeting visions,
Targets to aim
For but to never
Swear by.


It’s okay to change
Your mind
Your heart
Your vision
Your destination.


And even when
The bystanders tell you
The path ahead is too
Perfect to abandon,
It’s okay to veer left or 
Right or up or
Down. 
Because they think they can 
See what you see but
They can’t.



You are capable of
Changing your dream,
Your mind, 
Your situation.
You can be
Whatever your heart
Wants to be. 
You can hurdle over
The roadblocks. 
You can turn your map around.
You can traipse through mud
And weeds and past
Wildlife if you have to.
You are stronger
Than you even know.

You are not stuck.
You are not planted,
Seared into the ground.
You are free-flowing,
You are powerful,
You are going somewhere.


So take the class.
Make the move.
Send the application.
Dream the dream.
Dream it again.
And again if you have to.
Find that thing
That lights you up
From within, and
Let that light be
The lantern to lead
You when things 
Feel impossible.
Because you 
Can 
Overcome
impossible.

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