Don’t tell me you’re okay when you’re not. 
Don’t paint on the fake smile that hurts the crevices of your mouth when you feel like you can barely hold it together.
Don’t nod and say you agree when you don’t. 
Don’t try to point out the glitter when really, your deep-rooted wounds are bleeding.
Don’t feel like you have to tell me you’re okay when you’re not.

So many times, society demands us to put on a mask, to hide the dark truths of ourselves and of humanity. We smile for the camera. We put the rosy update on social media. We paint on the smile and take our voice up an octave in the professional setting because that’s what we have to do. That’s what nice girls do…they never make someone uncomfortable with realities or truths that might be less than beautiful. They tuck away the dark colored paints and only display the sunshine landscape.

But I’m here to say….don’t tell me you’re okay when you’re not. Because I’m a safe space to lean when things feel shitty. I’m a listening ear when your world is falling apart or you’re barely holding it together. I don’t need you to pretend you’re okay when you’re not. I don’t need you to smile through the pain.

I need you to be real, to be honest, even when it’s hard. I want you to cry if you need to. I want you to tell me you’re horrible when you are. Because I think there are too many women out there who propagate this ridiculous lie that women always have to be just fine. 

Life is hard, and, in truth, we’re always just seeing a tiny glimpse of who someone else is. But I think, especially as women, if we can bust up the ridiculous notion we must always smile, must always say we’re okay even when we’re not, must put on the high heels and just muscle through…if we can say no to that facade and, instead, be courageous enough to be honest…well, that’s when we can change things. That’s when we can save things. Because I think so many of us, behind the scenes, are breaking, unhappy, struggling BECAUSE we’re forced to lie about how we are.

So don’t tell me you’re okay or great or fine if you’re not. Tell me you’re shitty. Tell me you’re tired. Tell me you’re breaking. Tell me you need a minute to cry or tell me you don’t want to talk because life is too hard. Tell me the truth…and I think if we can all vow to do just that, we’ll find a realer world, where no one is under the impression that they’re alone in their struggles.

So don’t tell me you’re okay if you’re not. And I’ll do the same.

​

When you’re rising, reaching dreams, achieving, there will always be people around you who try to tear you down. It’s inevitable. 

They’ll come for your character. They’ll try to rattle your confidence. They’ll try to grab the reins of power and put you back in the cage. They’ll wrangle you, rope you in, put a ceiling on your achievements. They’ll try to scar your reputation or misrepresent who you are. They’ll try to tell you who you are. They’ll try to make you doubt your abilities, your gifts, your purpose, your path. And sometimes, they’ll be masked as “good” people, successful people. Sometimes, they’ll do all of this with a smile on their face and poison coated in best wishes for you.

But I’ve come to learn that you really, truly can’t let that shake you. Is it easy to stand tall in the face of toxicity? Not at all. Is it easy to walk into the room with red lips on when you know they’re just waiting for you to mess up? Not at all. Is it easy to stand cool, calm, and collected in who you are when they’re trying to rip you to shreds? Nope. 

Still, even when it’s hard, you have to turn inward. You have to steady yourself with the knowledge that you don’t need anyone else’s permission or validation to live the life that is yours. You don’t need them to validate your reputation, your knowledge, your worth. And your character, your gifts, are not affected by the poison they try to spew. Not when you’re grounded in who you are and what you want in this life. Not when you know without a doubt where you’re headed. 


The most valuable lesson you can learn, even if it’s the hard way, is that you don’t need their validation to stand confident, strong, and follow the path of your dreams. So keep standing tall. Keep smiling. And keep knowing that when they try to tear you down, it isn’t about you–it’s about their own insecurities, their own lack. Not you. 

#neverfalterinwhereyouregoing #validateyourself #youarenottheirinsecurities

​

Don’t tell me you’re okay when you’re not. 
Don’t paint on the fake smile that hurts the crevices of your mouth when you feel like you can barely hold it together.
Don’t nod and say you agree when you don’t. 
Don’t try to point out the glitter when really, your deep-rooted wounds are bleeding.
Don’t feel like you have to tell me you’re okay when you’re not.

So many times, society demands us to put on a mask, to hide the dark truths of ourselves and of humanity. We smile for the camera. We put the rosy update on social media. We paint on the smile and take our voice up an octave in the professional setting because that’s what we have to do. That’s what nice girls do…they never make someone uncomfortable with realities or truths that might be less than beautiful. They tuck away the dark colored paints and only display the sunshine landscape.

But I’m here to say….don’t tell me you’re okay when you’re not. Because I’m a safe space to lean when things feel shitty. I’m a listening ear when your world is falling apart or you’re barely holding it together. I don’t need you to pretend you’re okay when you’re not. I don’t need you to smile through the pain.

I need you to be real, to be honest, even when it’s hard. I want you to cry if you need to. I want you to tell me you’re horrible when you are. Because I think there are too many women out there who propagate this ridiculous lie that women always have to be just fine. 

Life is hard, and, in truth, we’re always just seeing a tiny glimpse of who someone else is. But I think, especially as women, if we can bust up the ridiculous notion we must always smile, must always say we’re okay even when we’re not, must put on the high heels and just muscle through…if we can say no to that facade and, instead, be courageous enough to be honest…well, that’s when we can change things. That’s when we can save things. Because I think so many of us, behind the scenes, are breaking, unhappy, struggling BECAUSE we’re forced to lie about how we are.

So don’t tell me you’re okay or great or fine if you’re not. Tell me you’re shitty. Tell me you’re tired. Tell me you’re breaking. Tell me you need a minute to cry or tell me you don’t want to talk because life is too hard. Tell me the truth…and I think if we can all vow to do just that, we’ll find a realer world, where no one is under the impression that they’re alone in their struggles.

So don’t tell me you’re okay if you’re not. And I’ll do the same.

​

Stop letting them make you small.

It’s a lesson I’ve learned in this decade of my life…you have to stop letting them make you small.

You have to stand up tall in your truth and ability. You have to let your voice speak up when you have something to say, even if it wavers. You have to stop letting their incessant opinions of who you are and what you should be and what you should say and how you should act chip away at the truest version of yourself.

You have to stop letting them steal your credit or dismiss you. You have to stop letting them speak for you or speak at you or speak without you.

You have to stand boldly in who you are. You have to celebrate your skills, gifts, talents, and experiences. You have to shine even when they try to dull you. You have to speak up even when they steal the mic from you. 

You have to stand up at table when they won’t give you a chair.
You have to reach out and take what’s yours, even if people think it’s rude.
You have to push back when they tell you to sit down, that you aren’t worthy.
You have to be willing to clap for yourself when everyone else is booing you.
You have to be willing to be called selfish, a bitch, ungrateful in order to claim what’s yours.

It’s not easy. It isn’t. But I hope you find the courage to stand big, bold, and proud. I hope you give yourself the credit you deserve…and then recognize you are worthy of demanding it from others. I hope you never let them tell you you’re not worthy, not capable, not good enough, not whatever enough, to do that thing you know you can.

I hope you find your voice and use it, even when no one seems to be listening.
I hope you stop letting them make you small. 

​

One day, she looked in the mirror and realized she didn’t recognize herself. 

The hair, the lipstick, the eyes were different, yes. But it was deeper than that. For when she looked in the mirror, she saw the beyond, saw the girl she used to be simultaneously with who she was and who she wanted to be–and realized how far she’d come, how much she’d changed, and how far she had yet to go.

The unfurling of herself, the unraveling from their expectations and their predispositions and her own conformity had been long and winding. She hadn’t noticed the almost imperceptible changes–the rejected dogmas, the new beliefs, the ignited fire in her eyes. The desire for something more, and the willingness to step up in her high heels and grab it, even if it meant kicking in a few doors. 

Still, for all she knows she’s achieved, for all the better she’s found, it still scares her sometimes to look in the mirror and see that person she didn’t think she could be.

For that’s the thing they don’t talk about; how becoming someone new is terrifying. To step so far out of the comfort zone, to abandon old cages you were trapped in, to wander so freely you can become anyone is to become someone you don’t know sometimes. It’s terrifying to go so far outside the lines you have to make new ones.

She’s different now, true, and it’s cost her things along the way. She’s lost friends and connections. She’s lost some of the beliefs she used to hold in her heart. She’s lost perspective of who she thought she was once. She’s lost her reputation as the “always nice girl.” Sometimes, she doesn’t even feel like the same person. 

But in the unfurling process, she’s also gained things too, she realizes.

She’s gained confidence in the knowledge she can do things that terrify her, from getting tattoos to taking ballet classes to pursuing new jobs to listening to her gut when it says she needs yet another new beginning.

She’s gained a belief in herself, that she is worthy of respect, of grace, of opportunity.

And more than that, she’s gained her voice, not in an Ariel sort of way…but in a deep-rooted, ruffling feathers, I am here, hear me, sort of way.

She looks in the mirror and sees the red lips, the fire in her eyes, the long hair. She doesn’t quite recognize herself, but she smiles because she knows that’s more than okay. Because to really live, to really truly find fulfillment, you sometimes have to undo yourself completely. And you might not recognize yourself at first…but as she fixes that red lipstick, she smiles, knowing that’s sometimes what it takes to grab the reins of your life and become the person you were always meant to be.

​

Singing a song I wrote from scratch. Chasing the dog in the backyard. Swinging on the swingset and then exploring behind the huge pine tree. Pretending there were magical fairies in the flowers and trying to catch them while wearing a crown. Then it was time for Polly Pockets (Back when they were ridiculously small and a definite choking hazard). Finger Painting, coloring, bike riding. The number of activities were endless. I couldn’t wait to get out of bed and get the day started. There were more things to do than I had time for, and every day was different.

When you think back to childhood, think about the penchant for adventure. Every day offered a new chance to play, to make believe, to explore, even if you were at home. There were countless activities completed in a day at whim. Your heart’s desire led a lot of your choices (and also the parental figure in your life). But the sky seemed like the limit, magic was boundless, and you knew exactly what you loved to do.

Fast forward to adulthood, and it’s no wonder so many of us feel down. We chain ourselves to the 9-5 desk and pride ourselves on routine, day in and day out. We eat the same foods. We dress in the same styles, do our hair the same way, wear the same makeup. We schedule our bathroom breaks and our water breaks and take the same roads to work. We do what make sense and what saves time. We come home, carry on our routine. And we wonder why we end up feeling a bit lifeless.

Mixing It Up

One of the simplest mood (and life) boosters I’ve ascribed to in recent years is to mix it up. It really is that simple.

I know it would be great if mix it up meant we could all sell our house, buy an RV, and travel the world without a job. I know it would be great if we didn’t have to do chores, if we had an endless wardrobe budget, and if we didn’t have to worry about things like feeding our family. Still, I think there are practical ways you can add some spice to your life and some excitement.

You don’t have to have a travel budget to explore and to adventure. Some of the things I’ve done in recent years to mix it up and bring back excitement:

1. Go to a new coffee shop.
2. Try new restaurants, or order something new at your favorite restaurant.
3. Pick out a shirt, a dress, or an accessory that’s something you normally wouldn’t.
4. Try a new hairstyle, even if it’s temporary.
5. Pick a local spot to explore you’ve never been to.
6. Go to a festival you’ve never made time to go to.
7. Go on a picnic at a local state park on a weekday.
8. Try a new recipe from Pinterest for dinner, something you’ve never made before.
9. Mix up your walking route or your route to work for a change.
10. Schedule coffee with a friend for a weekday when you normally wouldn’t.
11. Take a class you’ve never tried before.
12. Pick one thing from your bucket list and schedule it, even if it has to be a year out so you can save funds. 
13. Learn something new! I joined MasterClass for a while to listen to some classes by the experts.
14. Volunteer somewhere! Helping others really can help you get out of your rut.

But what if you need a big change?

Sometimes, the little, tiny changes can make a difference and help us find our spark again. But sometimes, if we’re being honest, we need something more drastic. 

Sometimes, despite our best efforts to mix up our routine, we still feel blah. Sometimes, we dig deeper and realize our dream, our house, our town is making us miserable. And those big changes can be TERRIFYING. Tune back in next Monday when I’ll chat about tips for making a BIG change and how to make it less scary (I left my teaching career after TEN years, something I never thought I’d do). 

Be sure to revisit Blog #1 about why rediscovering the magic in your life matters and blog post#2 about how incorporating positive media into your life can make a huge difference. And if you're looking for more inspiration, come join me on Instagram for more advice, inspiration, and motivation!

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Yes, ‘Elder’ Millennial, You Need a Crop Top
 
Last week, I was scrolling TikTok to catch up on the Eras tour (My nightly pre-bedtime habit. I know, screens are bad before bed. But it’s my Eras era, so what can I say?) when I came across one of the many “millennial makeover” TikToks that have been popping up on my feed. The Gen Z expert helped the millennial trade her oversized cardigan, skinny jeans, and long cami for an updated look—which included a crop top.

And for all the ladies in the room in their thirties or beyond, cue the gasp. Right?

For as long as I can remember, the word “crop top” has been synonymous with an expletive.

“I haven’t found anything in the stores lately. It’s all just crop tops,” my friends and I complain over and over. We try on shirts that hit just at the top of our jeans and tug on them, explaining that they're just not long enough. We pile into the oversized shirts, the long cardigans. We hide, we cover, we camouflage and talk about how showing too much skin just isn’t right.

But as I scrolled past makeover over makeover to get back to my Taylor fix, one TikTok popped up in the same vein that gave me pause. In this Tiktok, she explained why millennial fashion is what it is. She talked about how our generation grew up with mothers who were self-conscious about weight and body image—and many of them passed that body shame onto us. So, we turned to oversized flannels, long shirts, and anything that would cover up our rolls, lumps, and bumps that we found to be embarrassing.

Even though my eyelids were heavy, I popped right awake. Because up until that point in my thirty-five years, I just thought we picked our clothes because they looked good on us. I thought the crop top was just an unstylish rebellion against our generation’s long shirts and that it wasn’t something we wanted to pull off. But maybe, just maybe, I considered—our aversion to the crop top is much deeper. Maybe it has to do with our need to be covered, not for ourselves but for others. It’s a symbol of the body expectations put on us that we still accept as truth.

The crop top, in essence, exposes not bodies or skin—it exposes our deep fears and self-consciousness about bodies we were told weren’t good enough.

Not Skinny Enough

I’ll admit—I do own one single crop top. (Why does that still feel like a confession I should be saying in a little cubicle to a priest and following with acts of penance?). It’s sequined and flashy. My husband found it at a consignment shop, thinking it would be a perfect Eras Tour top. It was five dollars, so I tried it on. Staring in the mirror at my exposed stomach, right in the section I was always told was the “area you never wanted to stick out,” I saw nothing but hateful words staring back at me.

Fat. Oozing. Pudgy. Unattractive.

I quickly took the top of, sighing. Still, I bought it because it was only five dollars, thinking I could layer a cami under it (We love our camis, don’t we, millennials?) or lose enough weight to make myself feel good in it.

And there it is. The true sentence that should make me actually feel guilty—guilty for being so horrible to myself. Because even at thirty-five, when I thought I’d worked through so many of my issues, the truth still sticks. I don’t feel skinny enough to rock a crop top. I still think I have to hit a certain weight or a certain level of flatness to deserve to wear a crop top.

The sequined crop top hangs in my closet still, mocking me every day. Did you lose enough weight yet? Is your stomach flatter? Did you pass on the cake so you can maybe wear me next month?

The questions stir, and the shame stirs with it. But that single TikTok made me consider what it would take to make the crop top stop taunting me.

That TikTok I saw in passing really did change me. No, I’m not out sporting a crop top every day or at the office. Yes, the bejeweled crop top still mocks me in my closet if I stop to listen too long, asking if I’m skinny enough yet to wear it. No, I haven’t let go of passing over crop top after crop top on the rack of clothes when I’m shopping.

And no, I don’t think you need to throw out all your long tops and buy all crop tops. I’m not saying you have to show skin to be sexy—that’s a whole other conundrum some of us face. At the end of the day, I think you need to wear what you like and what makes you feel happy.

Nonetheless, I do think every millennial and every woman in general deserves to own at least one crop top—and to feel damn proud wearing it. Not if you’re a certain weight. Not when you feel skinny enough. Not because it’s trendy. But because I think every woman deserves to understand that the lies we were taught about skinny equating to worthiness need to be overturned.

As women, we deserve more than to starve our bodies in order to be visually pleasing to others. We deserve more than to hide behind baggy clothing just because we’re afraid to show skin. We deserve more than to limit our confidence because of what others taught us about body weight, image, and self-worth.
Yes, we might like our camis and baggy shirts and cardigans. Yes, that might be our style vibe—and that’s perfectly fine. But we still deserve to rock a crop top from time to time and not feel self-conscious about it. That’s my dream for us millennials—and all women, really. That the crop top doesn’t scare us anymore. That we feel like we can wear it if we want to and not feel bad about it. That we can rock any clothes, really, because no matter what stage of life we’re in or what our bodies look like, we feel good in them.

In this Eras era, let’s make a pact to make this era’s narrative body positivity. Let’s break out the crop top once in a while and flaunt our body exactly as it is.

Let’s stop limiting ourselves based on some antiquated notions about our bodies, shame, and what skin we need to cover.
​
Now trading in the skinny jeans or the side part—that’s an article for another time. ​

I have a quote calendar that was a gift at work, and this is one of the pages I pulled out to hang up at my desk. In a way, it’s been the mantra of my life this past year brought on by a courageous leap out of a job I had for ten years into all new territory. And this past year, as I’ve embraced growth, I have come to fully understand that it really is uncomfortable–and that’s okay.

It’s uncomfortable to step out of your routine and to let go of a vision you thought would carry you through the rest of your life. It’s uncomfortable to start over and have to make new friends. It’s hard to see your old friends less and to feel like you’re missing out on their daily adventures and lives. 

It’s hard to learn new skills, a new way of thinking, and a new routine. It’s hard to shove down self-doubt and to climb out of the box you didn’t even realize you put yourself in. It’s hard to believe in yourself enough to take the leap.

Still, almost a year into this growth journey, I’ve gotten comfortable with being uncomfortable. I’ve come to understand that life opens up tenfold when you shred that box, when you shove the routine aside, and when you have the courage to stay open to whatever new thing is coming your way. I’ve embraced the fear that comes along with making a change. 

That ability to step outside of my comfort zone has transformed into all aspects of my life. I no longer am afraid of what people are thinking when I walk into a room or when I wear an outfit I’m not sure others would like. I got my first tattoo, something I NEVER thought I would brave up and do. 

The thing is, once you choose growth over comfort, you gain confidence in yourself you didn’t know you had. You realize that it doesn’t matter so much what your routine is, where you work, where you go, or even so much what you do. What matters is who you are at the core–and once you unlock that, you realize the rest is all just accessorizing your life.  When you appreciate who you are at the deepest level, you understand that you really can do whatever you want to do–the sky isn’t even the limit. It’s just the beginning.

So take the leap. Close your eyes if you have to and just jump. Move to that new location. Take the job that you feel underqualified for. Join that new class. Adopt the dog. Travel the world if you want to or move from the country to the city. Paint the picture. Write the script. Run the marathon or go back to school or start the non-profit. Take the risk. Take the leap. Choose growth.

Because what’s scarier than being uncomfortable or afraid as you grow? Staying exactly where you are for the rest of your days and realizing you haven’t tried out living at all.

​

Can we all try something collectively? Can we stop waiting until we lose those five, ten, twenty pounds to feel beautiful? Can we stop judging how confident we feel by an arbitrary number on a scale? Can we stop letting sagging skin or a puffy stomach or cellulite marks detract from the faith we have in ourselves?

Let’s stop saving that special outfit for when we feel skinnier. Let’s stop thinking that beauty only comes in one specific size and shape. Let’s stop telling ourselves we would be better if we stopped eating so much. Let’s stop sucking the joy out of every bite of food. 

Let’s set down the guilt around food that many of us were raised to buy into, especially as females. Let’s start leading with our heart, with our sense of joy, and not a social media filter. Let’s take the picture and stop eyeing the parts of us we don’t like. Let’s smile when we look in the mirror and celebrate the body that is, not some made-up image we have of what we should be.

Let’s remember that confidence comes from within. It doesn’t wait for a certain size number on your tag or a frizz-free hair day. It’s a glow from within that comes only when you realize you are worthy, you are beautiful, and you are free to pursue the life you deserve today, right now, no change necessary.

Let’s take time to just be, right now, exactly as we are.

​

Leaves under our feet and blue sky above our heads, we saunter into the empty solitude of the tiny park near our house. My Great Dane Edmund cannot keep his feet moving fast enough underneath him to keep up with his excitement. Nose plowing through the piles of leaves as his tail wags, the park is a beacon of curiosity and contentment.

However, it’s really nothing special, in truth. A few play areas for kids, a few pavilions, and lots of trees. The paved path loops through the entire park, and we rarely leave the road.
Edmund is, admittedly, not a huge fan of nature. He appreciates sniffing the grass, the trees, and the forest creatures from afar—he enjoys this park because it is an urbanized version of nature. Still, his entire body relaxes when we are at this small abode.
​
The typically anxious, always on high-alert Great Dane settles into himself and the freedom I offer him on his leash to just sniff, to just be a dog. To Edmund, our weekly jaunt to the park near our house is an adventure, a reminder of how the world is there purely for exploration.
If I’m being honest, though, our weekly trip to the park isn’t just for Edmund—it’s for me, too. For while the park is a chance to get out and explore for Edmund, it’s a chance for me to get away. It’s a place of true quiet, where even the traffic fades into the distance in favor of the heron’s calls overhead. It’s a place that doesn’t require anything of me—not money, not interaction, and certainly not status. It’s a place where I can breathe in the silence and exhale all of society’s pressures as I take in the vastness of the trees, the leaves, and the fact that nature doesn’t care about any of it.

Watching Edmund explore this simple place near our house, I’m always reminded that the world really IS a vast, wide-open place waiting for us to notice it. And I’m also reminded that even though exotic trips and locales are exciting, you don’t have to jet-set to Paris or the Caribbean or Egypt to find marvels. There is exploration and adventure to be done right in your hometown that doesn’t cost a thing. There is inspiration around you if you take a moment to unplug and appreciate it. There is always something new to see, to marvel in, to revel in, if you’re willing to go out and find it.
You don’t have to go somewhere to special to realize how special life is. That’s the lesson I’ve learned from this tiny, humble park near our house. That’s the lesson I come back to every single week when I come with Edmund to this holy ground of sorts—because isn’t it just so easy to forget all of that in the hustle and bustle of life? Don’t we all need a reminder sometimes of the words my favorite poet Whitman says when pondering the meaning of life:

Answer: That you are here.
That life exists and identity.
That the powerful play goes on,
And you may contribute a verse.