 Photo by Alexandr Podvalny from Pexels She sits alone on the couch, scrolling through social media as she sees group after group of happy faces. Girls nights and brunches. Martinis and mascara. Glowing faces of the “it” girls who belong. Like scenes from a chick flick playing out in real life, it seems like everyone has a group–except her. As her messy bun flops to the side, she tells herself she won’t cry. She tells herself it doesn’t matter, that she is stronger being alone. But inside, she asks:
What’s wrong with me? Why am I never invited or part of the group? So many of us have been “her” at one time. For some of us, we are the girl left out in junior high or high school. Some of us find this in the workplace when we realize the job of our dreams is actually a clique haven. For others, it comes in mom groups, the PTO, the gym. I’ve come to realize there’s always a risk you’ll be “her.” For many of us, when it happens in adulthood, we’re left feeling those lonely feelings of our hormonal teenage days. We might try to cover it up. We put on the brave “kick ass” face and pretend it doesn’t matter. We tell ourselves we love staying at home, that martini nights sound like a chore, and that the people in the photos aren’t happy anyways. Some of us pour ourselves into work, into our families, into our children, into our dogs. We tell ourselves we’re too busy doing other things to care, and that friend groups like that really only exist in the movies. Some of us blame ourselves. If only we were more—what exactly? Anything, really. Fill in the blank with your chosen adjective. Loving. Outgoing. Open. Beautiful. We make lists miles long of our shortcomings, of why others don’t want to be with us. We sulk in our lonely caves of quiet, secretly Facebook stalking others and scolding ourselves for being creepy. We tell ourselves we’re going to get out there more, fit in more, but we don’t. Some of us tell ourselves it’s not worth being in the “in” group anyway. We fill our heads with stories of lies and deception. We hang onto every word of gossip about the popular group, secretly hoping they fall into anarchy. And some of us tell ourselves to rise above the feeling. We remind ourselves that we don’t have to be popular to matter. We tell ourselves all of the mantras and quotes our female relatives probably told us in high school. We convince ourselves we’re doing just fine and that it’s okay if we’re left out. We soothe our soul with the fact so many others feel this way. We might even tell ourselves it’s not the popular group’s intention to leave us out. We push kindness and forgiveness to the forefront of our minds in order to ease our wounds. But if you’ve ever been “her,” the woman left out, left behind, or who just feels plain invisible, I want you to know that I see you. So many of us do. Also, though, maybe you’re reading this and you’re the other “her,” the one in the it group. I want you to know I’m not here to villainize you or make you feel guilty. Maybe you don’t even realize what’s happening, or maybe you argue that you can’t invite everyone. It’s not your job to be friends with everyone. Maybe you’re just living your best life and not thinking about it. Maybe you work harder than some of us on friendship and making connections. You don’t think you should feel guilty about that. I can agree with you on all of that, I really can. Still, I challenge you to ask yourself if you can think about the other side, about what it’s like. I’m sure that even in the “it” group, you’ve found yourself feeling lost or alone, left out or abandoned at some point. You know that’s not a good feeling. Nonetheless, what’s to be done about it? That’s the question that unites everyone, no matter where you rank in the scheme of it all. Whether you’re “her” or the “other her,” both sides are faced with the impossible question of what can be done. The thing is, I think something should be done. Everyone deserves to belong. Everyone deserves a place to fit, a community, a group. We can shirk off responsibility and say, “We’re all grown here. It’s not my job to help everyone feel like they belong.” That’s true. We all need our own sense of resilience and independence. We are grown, and we need to realize we can be our own best friends. Still, lately, I’m not satisfied with doing just that. Because I can’t help but think of some of the women out there, day after day, fading into oblivion because they feel invisible. I can’t help but think about the women who maybe weren’t raised with a strong sense of worth. I think about the women who are struggling with heavy things and just want a place to lay down their head, to be comforted, to be understood. I think of the girls, the women out there who aren’t strong enough to go searching for that place. I think about what it could mean if a hand reached out and pulled them in, what a difference it could make. So what do we do about it? It’s a question I’ve been considering. I don’t think we throw our hands up and say that’s the age we live in or let it just be a mark of our gender to be catty, gossipy, and toxic. I don’t think the answer is found, either, in spreading T-shirts around about girl power and positivity and kindness. I don’t think we can throw a girls’ night for everyone and really mean it. I don’t know, in truth, if we can fix the whole problem. Maybe we really do just have to settle for building resiliency in our girls and getting to a place as adults where we convince ourselves it doesn’t matter. I’ve been thinking lately, though that maybe, as women, we can start trying another way. We can start making more room at the table. We can challenge ourselves to put a few empty seats just in case. We can all remember what it’s like to feel lost, alone, and uninvited. Those of us who have strong groups of friends group or strong senses of self can make it our goal to find someone who doesn’t. We can seek those quiet ones in our lives and try to make room. We can send invites even if we don’t think they’ll be accepted and even if they aren’t. Not pity invites, mind you. Not look at me being nice to the quiet girl invites. Invites that we really mean because we realize….it’s no fun being “her.” We’ve all been her at least once in our lives. I’m not suggesting we whip out the rendition of Kumbaya and all embrace each other in a group hug. I know this sounds, in some ways, like a ridiculous, lofty vision that isn’t possible. And I’m not saying we can’t go out with our friends and have a guilt-free good time. And no, we can’t carry the weight of everyone. We can’t sacrifice our own mental health and well-being to save others. But I think we can try. What if just a few of us try? I think we owe it to the strength of women everywhere to at least try to do better. We can ask more questions and whisper less. We can seek to build a sense of belonging instead of a sense of exclusion. We can build bridges to other women and try to look out for those who are struggling. We can do our best to be inclusive in the areas of our lives we control. We can leave the world a little brighter for others, even if they aren’t ready to accept our invites. We can set extra seats out even if we don’t think they’re needed. And for those of us who are currently “her,” we can do our best to remember we truly aren’t alone. Maybe we can use our sadness to start our own group, to create our own inclusive group for other women near us who are feeling the same way. We can reach out to those who are often on the fringes, who are invisible, who aren’t ever in the group pictures or at the brunches or sipping the martinis. We can be a leader in our own arena and unite those around us. We don’t need a group to be happy or survive, it’s true. There’s something to be said for being your own best friend. Still, I think we all deserve the chance to be a part of a group, to feel like we belong. And even if we don’t want a group, I argue there is something we all crave: we all want to feel seen. So no matter who you are, I ask you: see someone today. Really see her. It’s easy to ignore “her.” It is. But it takes a whole lot of courage and awareness to see her. See her. L.A. Detwiler is a USA Today Bestselling author and teacher. To learn more about her work and connect with her, visit http://www.instagram.com/ladetwiler ; http://www.facebook.com/ladetwiler.
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If you love unreliable narrators, true stories, and the medieval time period, The Last Duel is a movie that you should definitely add to your list.
Armored with a top-notch cast that includes Ben Affleck, Matt Damon, and Adam Driver, this movie is packed with high-quality acting and a storyline that will keep you guessing. Based on a true story, it follows two friends (played by Matt Damon and Adam Driver) who are torn apart by rivalry. The heart of the movie rests on a disturbing accusation that Adam Driver's character raped Matt Damon's character's wife. Of course, as the title suggests, it is determined the matter will be settled by a duel. At first, I deemed this movie to skip around too much. The viewer is left in a dizzying state of lacking orientation as the story skips from event to event without any smooth progression. We first follow Jean De Carrouge's story (Matt Damon) and his account of events. The story is engaging but it is jilting because of the time and place jumps. However, we are treated to a story of chivalry, courage, and perseverance, all things that make the main character admirable despite some shortcomings. Here's my favorite part of the movie, though; after we get Jean De Carrouge's story, the movie essentially starts over, this time from Jacques Le Gris's perspective (Adam Driver). This seems like it would be dull, but the movie is so well-written that it isn't. The new perspective we get shows us the same main events but with different additions due to the new narrator. We get new details that potentially change our mind and view of the other characters. And finally, we get a third perspective: Marguerite De Carrouge. Again, this retelling of events gives us a new way of looking at what we thought previously. This is a movie that constantly will make you think and question. It's a movie about how we perceive reality and who the real villain is. I love anything with an unreliable narrator, but this flipped that concept on its head by giving us three different narrators. I loved how small perspective changes flipped my ideas over and over again. I did find the ending slightly lacking only because I wanted more. However, this is a movie that is expertly done with a star cast. I loved that it told a true story in an engaging way. I also loved that at the heart of the movie is a powerful and jarring message about reality, about women, and about who is left to tell the truth. I highly recommend this movie, especially for date night, as I think its engaging construct will captivate a wide array of audiences. It will stand out in my mind as a very unique movie of which I have never seen anything similar.  It's live! Grab your copy here.
From USA Today Bestseller L.A. Detwiler comes a brand-new chilling domestic thriller that will hook you from page one. Evette Harding's world of maternal bliss is perfect except for one thing: there’s something wrong with her husband. John is a lawyer and loving husband by day. However, ever since the baby came, his dark habits from the past are re-emerging. Once, she was fine with playing Bonnie to his Clyde. Now, with the baby to think about, it terrifies her. As she delves into his hidden life and dangerous lies, she begins to fear for her safety. But when maternal instincts creep over the line of paranoia, will she go too far to protect her child? And in a house full of dark secrets, will she solve the most important one before it is too late? The Delivery is a dark, page-turner of a domestic thriller with a jaw-dropping twist. I fell for the 30 lie when I was in my teens and twenties. You know, the lie that says you'll have your life all figured out and perfected by that third decade.
Maybe it was the movie "13 Going on 30" that did it. I just pictured myself at 30 with a life that reeked of fulfillment, joy, and purpose. I would get up everyday with my sleek body, put on a professional outfit, and step outside of my home worthy of a magazine to greet the day with a smile. I would know exactly who I was and what I wanted. I would have achieved my goals and be living a life where everyday felt full of purpose and passion. I fell for the 30 lie...and then, when I turned 30, it all sort of crumbled. I realized very quickly after blowing out those 30 candles that the movies, society, the magazines that seem to suggest your 20s are for exploring and your 30s are where it's at....well, they missed some important points. Like the point that no one really figures it all out by a certain age. Like that, as cheesy as it sounds, it's truly about the journey. The thing is: there is no endpoint in our self-fulfillment journeys. We are always evolving, changing, growing, and learning (if we're doing this life thing remotely right). What we think we want at 30 might not be what we want at 32 anymore. And that dream we had in our teens might not fulfill us any longer in our 40s. Life is truly about changing, and, thus, we sometimes must change our visions for life, too. Then, of course, there's the fact that life never quite goes as we expect it. Unexpected tragedies, surprises, and opportunities crop up. Sometimes, the path we thought we were on falls out from under us and we are left floundering. I've come to learn in my 30s that this thing called life is a winding journey. It's never done. It's never flattened out. I think the best we can do is commit to a life where we constantly assess what we want, what makes us happy, and where our passions are. There is no such thing as a perfect life, but there is such a thing as perfecting our reflective powers to figure out where are passions lie at different points in our life. So, this year, I hope you take some time, no matter what your age, to reassess. *What do you LOVE? *When are you happiest? *Do you have more good days than bad? *What are the blessings in your life? *What do you wish you had more of in your life? And then, once you've reflected on that, I hope you find a way to bring more into your life this year--more joy, more passion, and more moments that make you feel peace. If you're doing that, no matter what age you are, I think you'll find that this life is crazy beautiful and fulfillment although everchanging, is possible.  A prominent figure recently made statements about purposes and worth....and what life choices deem some as selfish. It was aimed at men and women, but I'm talking about women for now because it is what I know. I'm not here to debate religion. I am here to say this because I worry that especially for women, the message could be detrimental. I worry that somewhere out there, those words cut deep for someone. Here's the thing: If you mothered children, you are worthy in my book. If you mothered others in any way, you are worthy. If you can't mother in the traditional sense, you are worthy. If you mother as a dog or cat or any other creature mom, you are worthy. If you don't mother in any way at all, you are worthy. Our worth as people and especially women is not solely tied to our mothering qualities. Being a mother is important and admirable. I respect you all. But I also respect those of you who don't feel that calling, that purpose. I respect those of you who are called to it in a non-traditional sense. I respect those of you who love and nurture in different ways. I respect those of you who love and nurture yourself enough to chase the life that is right for you. There is nothing selfish or detrimental or shameful about living your own purpose, your own life, and your own calling....whatever that looks like. It takes all types, all beliefs, all values, and all pathways to make this world a better place, in my opinion. Never follow the pathway that you feel you must. Follow the one that sets your heart on fire. And yes, I am in the dog mom only category....and proud of it. To those who have ever loved a dog, you know there is nothing selfish or ugly or detrimental about that bond.  Hello and welcome!
If you're new in this space, I'm USA Today Bestselling thriller and horror author L.A. Detwiler. I'm a high school English teacher by day and a total bookworm by night. I'm married to my junior high sweetheart, and we have six rescued cats as well as a very wild Great Dane puppy named Edmund. I started writing in the sweet romance genre (I wrote my first book during college), but a few years ago, I found my writing home in thriller/horror/all things creepy. I'm a huge fan of writers like Shirley Jackson, Stephen King, and Poe, and they heavily influence my writing. I write books that focus a lot on the female perspective and emotional horror. I love to play with the idea of unreliable narrators and the concept of villains. My Great Dane Edmund shows up in all of my books (and before that, it was my mastiff, Henry). My first thriller, The Widow Next Door, hit the USA Today Bestseller's list. It's published with HarperCollins UK/One More Chapter. The audio book is actually coming out this spring, and I'm so excited! I also have a popular serial killer's book called The Diary of a Serial Killer's Daughter. It's the winner of the bronze medal for Reader's Favorite, and I'm so proud of it. I'm a coffee addict, a Netflix binger, and I buy way too much at Ulta. I live in a small town in Pennsylvania where I love sitting in my hammock reading all the books. I'd love to hear about you! Tell me where you're from, what you do for a living, and what books you love. Stay Safe and Be True, L.A. Detwiler  New York Times Bestseller.
It's a title. That's it. It doesn't mean you are more worthy or have a more important writing voice (I don't think, anyway). It doesn't equate to happiness or complete, automatic success. Some would say it's a fool's dream. Still, it's been my dream since I've realized my first two dreams: To get published and to hit the USA Today Bestseller's list. Both of those dreams felt IMPOSSIBLE. I still pinch myself that both came true. Hitting the NYT Bestseller's list is, truly, an impossible goal, too, even more than the others, probably. It's something I might spend my life chasing without ever reaching it. But that's okay. Because I've come to learn that the chase is truly what keeps your heart on fire with passion. Dreams, big, wild dreams, are what helps us make sense of this whole journey. Dreams are what keep us looking up at the stars. So, I'm entering 2022 with my heart and mind focused on my goal: I'm going to write my best book to date. Will it hit the NYT list? Probably not. Most definitely not. Still, I've seen over the past six years of my journey that the definitely nots definitely stand a chance. I'm off to doing my research for what I'm hoping will be my best book to date. It's a thriller and it dabbles in all sorts of topics I'm loving learning all about. Until then, I hope you, too, are daring to dream big...and then daring to dream even bigger. Stay Safe and Be True, L.A. Detwiler There's something magic about this time of year, the days right before the calendar switches.
I know, I know: You can set goals and change your routine any time of the year. You don't have to wait for January 1st. Still, I love the symbolism in that blank page, that whole year ahead. I love the idea of setting goals, of dreaming dreams, and of trying to set intentions for a better version of yourself. This year, in 2022, I'm getting focused on my truest passion: writing. I'm chasing my big, wild dream of being a NYT bestseller. I'm focusing in on my writing and paring down my schedule to chase my biggest passions. I'm making self-care a priority, which means saying "no" to some things and simplifying. It means prioritizing and asking the hard question: What truly makes me happy? I'm going into 2022 feeling ready to live more passionately and to stop apologizing (thank you, Rachel Hollis) for being my truest self. I hope that you are doing the same. I hope you have your eye on 2022 as well, and I hope it fills you with excitement. We've got this. Let's go get our dreams, friends. Stay Safe and Be True, L.A. Detwiler
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L.A. DetwilerUSA TODAY Bestselling Thriller author with Avon Books (HarperCollins), The Widow Next Door, The Diary of a Serial Killer's Daughter, and other creepy thriller books Categories
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